Sexual Readjustment
 

Now that the underlying reasons for sexual incompatibility have been detailed, those about to marry or who are in the stage immediately following marriage, can build a more substantial sexual future.

But this leaves the question as to how a man can relieve the sexual frustrations surrounding his home life after years of marriage; how he may instill some physical warmth in a wife whom he believes is cold. Lest such a husband confuse the terms, it should be repeated, although it appears elsewhere, that a "cold" woman is not necessarily a "frigid" woman. A woman is described as "cold" only when she is difficult to arouse. A "frigid" woman cannot be aroused under any circumstances.

Before any active attempt is made to resolve the problem, a husband must first analyze the situation with complete honesty. Self-pity cannot enter into it; he must offer no excuses for himself. Nor must he attempt to ease his disappointment by placing undue responsibility upon his wife. His answers to the following questions must be sincere.

1. Do I love my wife apart from my sexual need of her?
2. Would I miss her companionship?
3. Were I to lose her, would I truly be grief stricken?
4. Were she to die, do I feel at this moment I would not wish to remarry?
5. Do I thoroughly understand my wife's sexual disposition and needs?
6. Am I performing the sex act capably?
7. Do I require sexual gratification only with normal frequency?
8. Are my requirements entirely conventional with respect to the expressed—though not privately held—opinion of society?
9. Is my wife sincerely devoted to me?
10. Does she miss me when we're separated?
11. Is she a satisfactory mate in all respects other than sexual?
12. Were I to die tonight, would she really be grief stricken?
13. In the event of my death, do I believe she would wish to remain single?
14. On any occasions of sexual intimacy, does she display any signs of passion?
15. Does she exchange kiss for kiss?
16. Does she ever during a relationship voluntarily touch the male genitals?

Of course, we know from having read the previous chapter, that if a wife is cold or indifferent to sex, mistakes of omission or commission have already been made. The answers to the foregoing questions will simply indicate whether some degree of adjustment is possible at such a late date.

Regarding questions 1 through 4, the answers in each case must be an unqualified "Yes," if a man is to be considered completely in love with his wife and entitled to his wife's sexual services. "No” to any question indicates clearly that his wife is not involved in his finer emotions and exists principally in his life as a sexual instrument. Since this is the case, he can be certain his wife is quite aware of the minor position she holds. As a result, a psychological block has been created that will either affect any unrestricted abandonment by her in their sexual relations, or will conclude in feelings of bitterness at her weakness in giving any vent to her passion. This determines her to be less attainable when her husband next approaches her.

Unless the woman is the victim of overwhelming sexual excitability, or helplessly in love with the man, she cannot fail to resent the fact that her devotion is not equally returned. But since these types are not representative of the average woman, they do not qualify for discussion here.

Consequently, only one course remains for the man who wishes full sexual cooperation from his wife. He must convince her that he fully reciprocates her affection. Otherwise she will be nothing more to him than a machine responding to duty.

Questions 5 and 6 also require the answer "Yes" and with absolute knowledge of its truth. Regarding question 6, no man can be certain he is performing satisfactorily unless thoroughly familiar with his wife's sexual needs. These must be determined through conversation as well as observation and experimentation. Among other things, a wife should be asked unfailingly at the close of every sexual session whether she has been thoroughly satisfied or is capable of succeeding orgasms. If a man is at all doubtful of the answer to question number 6, he is, indeed, a poor one to complain of sexual apathy on the part of his wife.

In connection with questions 7 and 8, if the answer to either or both, is "Yes," it is unfortunate for the husband involved. He has no choice but to exercise self-control and reconcile himself to the type of sexual relationship preferred by his wife. Neither a man nor woman can be expected to engage in sexual activity more often than is reasonable. What constitutes a reasonable interval varies with the natures of individuals. Following several years of marriage, and barring unusual circumstances, such as long separations, a reasonable interval may be considered as no more than every 3rd day and no less than every 4th. For the average couple up to middle age once or twice a week is the usual frequency. No wife is justified in complaining of demands based upon a once-a-week period, provided no other objection than frequency enters into it.

With reference to question 8, this book is quite specific as to what constitutes normal sexual desires or behaviors. Notwithstanding that certain indulgences are perfectly normal, such as oral rhythm, if a woman objects to them no man can find in this a reasonable cause of complaint. Although such practices may be more exciting to him, they are in no way essential to his gratification; the male is the most easily and readily appeased of the species. It is a strange and abnormal spouse, indeed, who provided with other outlets for sexual relief must insist upon behaviors that are distasteful to his wife. Insistence upon these forms of relationship can only create a pronounced aversion to intimacy in his wife, and encourage an apathy that will eventually develop without help.

Notwithstanding the answers to the previous questions, 9, 10, 11, and 12 must be given an unqualified "Yes" if any hope exists for an adjustment of sexual differences. Unless a husband receives his wife's entire share of spiritual affection, he cannot hope to obtain her sexual love. No woman completely devoted to her mate can experience sexual desire for any other man provided she is given the constant society of her husband. If a woman, any woman, is repeatedly neglected over lengthy periods of time, constant association with a man who fills her needs will eventually convert the most faithful wife into the most devoted mistress. The male can more easily divide his affections, because nature intended he should. A woman can be loyal only to one man at a time.

Question 13 should receive a "Yes" answer, at least so far as the moment is concerned. A widow left unprovided for, and with two or three dependent youngsters, should remarry for economic expediency if nothing else. But at the time of her husband's death a devoted mate will feel that no man can ever replace him; that even want could not force her to consort with another. This, of course, is impractical. Time, happily, will dull the edge of her sorrow and force her to view the matter reasonably. Regardless, however, these feelings should be alive at the outset.

At the time of her husband's passing the same sentiments should be present even in a young and childless widow. But neither God, society, nor a thoughtful husband would expect that she spend her many future years in loneliness and physical frustration. This matter always should be discussed by married couples, the intention being to extract mutual promises that either will remarry in the event of the other's death. This understanding would give piece of mind to the surviving partner should he or she meet another and fall in love.

Questions 14, 15, 16 require "Yes" answers, if the possibility of adjustment is to receive further encouragement. The nature of each question is obvious. A mutual exchange of kisses during sexual preliminaries and throughout actual connection is one of the most reliable symptoms of a woman's desire and ability to be aroused. Should she fondle the male genitals, it is a substantial indication she is, at least, not completely inhibited. The probability, therefore, is strong that a heart-to-heart talk combined with sexual tact can bring her to more complete abandonment.

To estimate the possibility of a successful adjustment, a husband may credit his domestic sexual future with a value of "1" for every "Yes" answer and take a deduction of "2" for every "No." This form of grading anticipates that a satisfactory readjustment at a late date depends upon every small advantage a man can obtain. Hence, "Yes" is valued with a grade of 1, because many of these counts are necessary to achieve a passing mark. Since he can afford but few debits against him, the "No" answers are extremely penalizing, and quickly add up to impossibility.

As far as the average woman is concerned, and she represents the majority, a man cannot answer questions 1 through 4 with the answer "No" and expect all responses to questions 9 through 12 to be affirmative. The average woman will eventually sense her husband's true feelings and set up defenses of her own. Consequently, "No" in one section also begets "No" in another; that is, if a husband is not engaged in wishful thinking.

To determine his possibilities for a successful adjustment, a husband simply compares the totals of his "Yes" and "No" answers. If for example there are 4 "No" answers and 11 "Yes" answers, the relationship is 8 to 11 in favor of a more sexually compatible future. Should his tallies result in 6 "No" answers and 10 "Yes" answers, the odds favor failure by 12 to 10. Should he be so fortunate as to draw all "Yes" answers, there is no doubt of a suc-cessfull re-adjustment. If the answers 7 and 8 carry the answers "No," he may take credit for "Yes" responses provided his future relationships are conducted accordingly. Nor is there any reason why within a reasonably short time "No" answers to questions 5 and 6 may also be converted to "Yes," following the correction of whatever deficiencies exist.

It is clear that such an analysis allows few debits. On the other hand, it offers hope to the sexually disappointed husband who, given a proper outline to follow, may yet salvage many years of compatibility from a seemingly hopeless future of frustration.